8:13 AM - 7/26

I am on this porch ALL OF THE TIME. The seat without a cushion that really needs a cushion has a permanent indent of my ass pressed into the woven plastic. 

This guy just stopped his van, and got out, and we exchanged pleasantries, and he left.

And it's just occurring to me that he stopped just to say hi, a total stranger.

Wait did he?

Maybe he was in the area before and stopped his truck for a different reason and I just didn't notice.

Why would he stop and walk over to say hi if he wasn't already in the area and getting out for another reason? Right?

That guy does wave at me every time he drives by though

I recognized him because he drives a work truck that has a job I am not familiar with because I have never seen a truck that shape before.

What a curious little town.

I wonder what other mysteries will unfold before my time here is up

People make me nervous

I wonder if I make them feel nervous

What am I so nervous about?

Maybe I just need to get laid like those hysterical ladies who were getting abused by their insecure husbands and they literally had to invent vibrators FOR THAT REASON.

or maybe, just maybe, I should be nervous.

Because this month has been seeded with the weirdest passions known to mankind popping out of the soil and sharing their unpleasant fragrances with the whole world.

Literally just this month here's the rundown of crazy circumstances happening around me in THE NICEST NEIGHBORHOOD IN AMERICA:

- a couple was arguing and stumbling past around midnight and they got into an argument and the girl started whacking this poor man who took it like a champ

- two kids were doing it in the parking lot

- 3 big grown burly dirty looking men were doing lines of coke as me and my sweet dove of a roommate bore witness to the whole thing

- someone set the bar next door on fire in a crime of passion

- a kid stormed into my work to yell at another kid for reasons that are still murky but some of the main vocab words were: give me my money, n word, grindr, fiance, child

- someone quit because another person in the department had a meltdown and started yelling at everyone to stop what they were doing because she couldn't cope

- I called out of work because I was so exhausted (THAT HAS NEVER HAPPENED BEFORE)

What the actual fuck is going on?

Who wouldn't be nervous with all of this shit going on around us?

I'm sorry if I've ghosted you recently, I'm having a tough time coping and if you're expecting something from me, I'm probably ghosting you because I don't want to do the thing you're expecting me to do because I CAN'T COPE!!!!!! 

And the thing is, this feeling of not being able to cope will disappear the minute I choose to go do something and then as some time passes, it turns out that, yes, I did actually cope through all of that, and now I have new things to cope through.

How many times were you expecting to read the word cope today? This many times?

Ok it's 8:37 AM, I wonder who else I'll get to meet just by sitting on the porch.

over and out.

UPDATE it is 8:59AM

I gave that man from earlier who stopped by some of my Heart Times zines and he just passed by to encourage me and my writing. That was so sweet. He was like "You should be getting paid for doing these, these are really good! I read it all! I love the drawings you have in there" OMG

That was so kind and I am a slut for genuine compliments

What a nice town.

I'm sorry to leave it, but excited for whatever adventure finds me next.

12:32 AM - 7/25

Three hyenas passed by the porch just now and one professed his love as they drunkenly stumbled away from what was hopefully a night to remember and not a night to regret.

To whoever is pissing in everyone’s water

What the fuck dude, stop! Knock it off!

why is everyone so angry????

its 10:52 am, July 24

today some kid stormed the castle and started hollering at a store associate because said store associate in question owed him money.

two things:

1. give people their money, stop holding onto someone else’s money… it’s going to spoil your money. It’s like a different kind of produce touching your produce and making it start to rot. Other things are like this too.
2. What happened to effective communication??? It’s gone. It’s either everything or nothing and none of it’s working. USE YOUR WORDS EFFECTIVELY TO PRODUCE THE DESIRED OUTCOME. (shouting the n word and other slurs is the opposite of this unless that guys desired effect was a police escort and drama)

we need to do better and I need to go back to work

over and out

9:17 pm - 7/22

If you are not a fan of physical or relational intimacy, you totally don’t have to be.

You can even take a break from one or the other or both at the same time and then pick it back up again when you meet the right person. That’s what I’m doing now and I’ll tell you what, I feel incredible (omg no one asked Rebecca stfu. Love you but my goooooooooooodnesss)

orrrrrrr

You can quit the whole scene and join a community of people who feel the same way. That’s what vocations like monks and nuns and priests and hermits and witches who live in the woods and lure children into their house of horrors with candy (or at least that’s what they keep telling us I kind of want to believe the witches are spreading this false narrative around so we’re too scared to go into the woods when in reality it’s super peaceful and beautiful and idyllic) are for. There are a lot of people struggling with loneliness who could greatly benefit from any one of those lovely groups. My only question is why does it have to be permanent? Can’t it be for like 5 years and then you can decide if you want to resubscribe? Renew the lease? Replace the engine?

Why is everyone so obsessed with making everything so permanent when literally nothing is ever truly still. The atoms are never ever ever ever still.

And yet, we persist in this pursuit of permanence?

What is going on people?? Does that make sense to you?

but on the other hand

a little stability never hurt anyone. And you can build the most fortified castles with the right foundations in place based on a notion of what we like to believe is firmness.

black and white were never really a thing until we started naming them

they were just two perfect halves of a whole constantly in motion.

omg I need McDonald’s this is getting way too serious.

9:34 pm

12:12 PM - 7/11/25

 It's 12:12 pm - believe it or not which i think you totally will given, literally all the signs I've put up, that I have done it again and I'm debating on whether or not to record it. There are so many pros and cons but here's the thing. I'm so boring. I did this alone. What am I supposed to do? Not write about it? Tell someone? Tell no one?

I don't think there are lots of objectively right answers but also so many obviously wrong answers and sometimes I like to roll the dice on which one I will land on.

Here's the thing, if I don't record this, I will have nothing to do with my high. What am I supposed to do, just sit around admiring things? I do that on the daily without being stoned and this high is so different so I should be really encouraging the most out of this experience as possible and I think for me it's writing.

I don't know how much I'm going to write, but I might as well as get started here and if it seems like I'm really not going to stop I'll start putting it in a word doc to publish later. This could be the sequel to the Fake Autobiography of Rebecca...

The landlord is supposed to be coming over today to fix the hot water. I'm waiting anxiously for a text that says "open the door, let us in, we're here to help". I'm not anxious though, but I will be inebriated and I wonder what's going to happen.

Will I be able to hide it?

Will I try to hide it?

Time will tell I have no idea. 

I'm really good and creating a plan and then doing everything I can to not follow it, but I always make it to the end goal eventually, somehow, but for the life of me I could not tell you how I got here.

I think I'm insane.

Still

I guess some things really don't change

Maybe I should be sharing this experience with someone but I'm so happy alone. Omg I'm so sorry. I love all of my friends I do, but I cherish CHERISH CHERISH my own company too.

Does that make me a narcissist? 

I don't know maybe, but I think it also means that I feel the most relaxed around familiarity and fortunately or unfortunately for me, I am very familiar to myself.

We know ourselves inside and out and we are still so confused

I wish I had a manual

I wouldn't even share it, it would just be for me because what the fuck am I doing half the time?

Sometimes it feels like I have a machine gun pointed at the sky and I am just shooting the air over and over again all around in sporadic form just hoping something is dumb enough to get 

OMG it is 12:21, my work just called and asked if I would like to come in today, omg omg omg I told him the truth of why I cannot. 

They should fire me

but also, they called me, randomly, on a day off, omg it's starting to hit.... thigns are starting to move omg omg omg omg omg omg omg omg 

wait that's not fair, my blood pressure is up because giant called unexpectedly

deep breaths

don't take this into the trip

even if you accidentally take it you can just drop it...

12:58 PM - 7/11/25

 I just witnessed a murder. 

And the victim looked like she enjoyed it.

Is this what love has come to?

Here, let me set the scene (before I start, I just want to point out that I did debate in my head whether or not this was violating someone's privacy but they were literally doing it outside of my kitchen window in the car with a FULL ASS BRIGHT SPOTLIGHT blasting into the window. How could I miss it???? I'm sorry I'm such a fucking creep for noticing but there's random movement coming from inside this random bright ass white car in a very well-lit area and my first thought was "Oh, maybe this is one of those people that sleeps in their car for whatever reason that may be" and I looked closer to see if that was the case and I saw, much to my horror that it was lewd acts being performed in what felt like broad daylight given the circumstances. Fine, whatever, it's 2025 I can't act like I've never been there done that, college town, whatever.)

But here's where it gets good, I stepped back from the window after realizing what was transpiring... and tip toed away from what seemed like a very spirited head bobbing and then had the brilliant idea that I should time it out of curiosity. Maybe compare it with my own history. Consider it practice for working in a lab studying things I probably shouldn't. 

With the timer set I left to brush my teeth because sex is actually super boring to watch. It seems so fast paced in the moment but outside looking in, it is nothing like the movies. It's really weird and everyone looks like a fucking freak while they're doing it.

I finish brushing my teeth, timer still going, peek, yup bodies, still going.

The timer displayed 5:10:69 I kid you not I have a screenshot. 

They are getting out of the car and he is putting on his shirt.

The girl steps out of the car, smiling and casually chucks something away from the car and chatting with her car lover.

I am mortified on her behalf that I wasted 5:10:69 minutes of my life watching, I can't believe the energy she just expended. And from what little I saw she was WORKING IT. 

I didn't even get a clear image of his face, maybe he has a great personality, I have no idea. Shit was bonkers from two stories up. 

I've done some crazy shit for love and that was her time to shine in that particular way and who am I to judge?

Maybe this was a really good looking back and laughing moment. I am certainly laughing right now, and I can guarantee it's only going to get funnier...for me at least...I hope it gets funny for them because it feels like it may have been embarrassing for them, both of them, for very different reasons.

I kind of hope no one ever reads this blog...

What if she ever ends up reading this??

Dear Girl,

I'm sorry but it was just a story that was too good not to share, and I tried to be vague so you wouldn't get shot

love,

-RMM (like a car vrooming)

P.S. I hope you find love and if it's with the guy making you do all the work for a 5-minutes of heavan, I hope you enjoyed it at least.

7:12 pm - 7/10/2025

I am procrastinating taking a shower.

I've been procrastinating taking one since 6:45

Does anyone else freeze up when they feel like they're being watched

And not just watched, but perceived, maybe even studied

It's a bizarre feeling

and super unnerving

It makes you feel like a prey being sized up by something much more sinister and I literally start to glitch the minute I feel like I caught it in the act.

7/4/25 - 2:07 am

Have you ever tried to have a conversation and about halfway through you wanted to steer it towards the ground? Just give up? 

It's like driving a car and someone pulls up next to you to have a fun little street race and you rev back and before you know it you're flying down the track and your tank when out of nowhere, your tank hits zero.

I had one of those conversations yesterday and it haunted me most of the evening until I was able to rectify and apologize with the phrase "I'm sorry I had an intense conversation beforehand and I while I was talking to you I watched my social battery die"

It's 2:30 AM

The chorus of fireworks exploding outside of my window has ceased and is replaced by a stillness I am going to revel in

7/2/25 - 9:12 PM

I am just tip tap typing like those cows in that book I used to read as a kid and that Wes Anderson sound byte that went viral a couple of years ago started playing in my head. 

I feel like a Wes Anderson girl scout peddling my words to anyone who would dare to open their emails. I'm hoping for feedback, any feedback. Some feedback. Even negative feedback would be enough to get me to change course and try something new.

I realized two things about myself today that I'm kind of proud of. 

#1 although I was not and am not perfect, I am a good big sister

#2 it's okay to romanticize the shitty things too

I was under the influence during both revelations. Would they have happened if I wasn't? It's hard to say. Aren't we always under the influence of something?

There's a whole tedtalk by Lisa Feldman that really hits this home.

She had this whole exercise where she showed you the face of a woman and depending on your own mood, you would perceive her as either friendly, neutral, or moody. 

So, I think my point here is, the whole inner light thing always stumped me.

It's something I've been gnawing on for a while and I've come to the conclusion that the inner light is the projector light that we cover with different filters called emotions and that is how our perception works.

Does that make sense?

Am I under too much influence?

It's like your third eye is constantly projecting an image in front of your eyes to shield you from reality to keep you safe.

So all I wanted to come on here and say is, as I finish up the zine for July for the "Heart Times", is that the inner light matters just as much as the filters that you're holding up.

Make sure you're burning sustainably, that you have a joy that isn't sucking you dry but nourishing your soil

and make sure that the filters you're holding up are true to who you are, so there's less to hold up and a foundation to rest them on.

I'm so high...on life obviously

over and out

7/1/25 - 5:16 PM

I am feeling...so good right now. I was sitting on the porch admiring the aftermath of yet another shower when I realized with great pleasure, that not a single bad thing has happened to me in what feels like forever. That's incredible. I can't tell you how long it's been since I've had a painful experience happen. 

I'm euphoric just thinking about it. How blessed am I? There are literal wars happening all around me but for the briefest of moments, no matter how long this lasts, I get to experience an oasis in the middle of all the chaos. 

Don't get me wrong, I have so much fear if I think about fear, and my mood is swinging like a pendulum all day as I soak in the sorrows and joys around me, but none of it is a direct attack at me. It's been a while since I've felt this. And to be clear, a lot of the attacking was me to myself. 

Earlier today I wrote down "why do you keep setting limitations for yourself and then believing them?

Sorry I'm back it is 5:41 there was a lightning bug, it's a long story, it's on Instagram, it's not that long.

I don't know

maybe it is

the average attention span is like insanely short right now. 

but anyways

the original point I was going to make before mother nature butted in, is that Why do I keep setting limitations for myself and believing them???? That's insane. That's literally making myself the only road blocker. I am literally the only person standing in my own way. I'm carrying a sword and shield and they're to protect and defend me from myself. 

That's hilarious. I can't be doing that anymore. 

It'll take a while to drop'em I'm sure. They are well practiced habits after all, but as the time between painful moments increases and the time that it takes the painful moments to pass decreases, I shall loosen my grip, but until then. YOU BETTER STAND BACK SHE HAS A WEAPON AND SHE IS READY TO USE IT! SHE USED TO BE A SOUS CHEF AFTER ALL. omg rebecca stop telling people about that, it's so embarrassing to drudge up the past to make yourself seem cool again. Rebecca I'm doing it because it's a frame of reference for people to see me as, it's not an ego thing...it's probably not entirely an ego thing...omg is it all an ego thing?

somebody shoot me.

It is 5:48 PM

there is nothing left to say, what a miracle.