It's 12:12 pm - believe it or not which i think you totally will given, literally all the signs I've put up, that I have done it again and I'm debating on whether or not to record it. There are so many pros and cons but here's the thing. I'm so boring. I did this alone. What am I supposed to do? Not write about it? Tell someone? Tell no one?
I don't think there are lots of objectively right answers but also so many obviously wrong answers and sometimes I like to roll the dice on which one I will land on.
Here's the thing, if I don't record this, I will have nothing to do with my high. What am I supposed to do, just sit around admiring things? I do that on the daily without being stoned and this high is so different so I should be really encouraging the most out of this experience as possible and I think for me it's writing.
I don't know how much I'm going to write, but I might as well as get started here and if it seems like I'm really not going to stop I'll start putting it in a word doc to publish later. This could be the sequel to the Fake Autobiography of Rebecca...
The landlord is supposed to be coming over today to fix the hot water. I'm waiting anxiously for a text that says "open the door, let us in, we're here to help". I'm not anxious though, but I will be inebriated and I wonder what's going to happen.
Will I be able to hide it?
Will I try to hide it?
Time will tell I have no idea.
I'm really good and creating a plan and then doing everything I can to not follow it, but I always make it to the end goal eventually, somehow, but for the life of me I could not tell you how I got here.
I think I'm insane.
Still
I guess some things really don't change
Maybe I should be sharing this experience with someone but I'm so happy alone. Omg I'm so sorry. I love all of my friends I do, but I cherish CHERISH CHERISH my own company too.
Does that make me a narcissist?
I don't know maybe, but I think it also means that I feel the most relaxed around familiarity and fortunately or unfortunately for me, I am very familiar to myself.
We know ourselves inside and out and we are still so confused
I wish I had a manual
I wouldn't even share it, it would just be for me because what the fuck am I doing half the time?
Sometimes it feels like I have a machine gun pointed at the sky and I am just shooting the air over and over again all around in sporadic form just hoping something is dumb enough to get
OMG it is 12:21, my work just called and asked if I would like to come in today, omg omg omg I told him the truth of why I cannot.
They should fire me
but also, they called me, randomly, on a day off, omg it's starting to hit.... thigns are starting to move omg omg omg omg omg omg omg omg
wait that's not fair, my blood pressure is up because giant called unexpectedly
deep breaths
don't take this into the trip
even if you accidentally take it you can just drop it...
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